The Best Jokes in the World

1. A newly wed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work. 

Wife says: "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"

Husband says: "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days go by, and he comes home from work.

Wife says: "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

Husband says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"

Another few days go by, and it is raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. 

Wife says: "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"

Husband says: "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"

The next day husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.

Wife says: "Nothing. "he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."

Husband asks: "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?"

Wife says: "What do I look like," "Betty Crocker?"

2. A guy meets a hooker in a bar.

She says: "This is your lucky night. I've got a special game for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words."

Guy replies: "Hey, why not?"

He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says,

slowly: "Paint...My...House."

3. My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

4. A guy tells his Psychiatrist: "It was terrible. I was away on business, and I emailed my wife that I'd be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don't get it. How could she do this to me?"

Psychiatrist says: "Well," "May be she didn't see the email."

5. A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: "Could you please pass the butter?" But instead I said: "You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."

6. A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it.

Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

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The Funniest Jokes Ever

1. As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

2. The husband returns home one day and tells his wife,

"Hi Honey, look, I've bought the new Rolling Stones CD."

"Why did you do that?, we don't even have a CD player!" replied the wife ...

And husband says "So what ... have i ever asked why you keep on buying bras?"

3. A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas. Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino and finds a pay phone.

He calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your bags, I just won over a million dollars in Vegas."

His wife says, "That's wonderful, What should I pack for ....Europe, Asia, the Caribbean?"

He says, "I don't care, just be gone when I get home."

4. This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

Man: "What was that for?"
Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"

Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races?, Marylou was the name of one of the horse I bet on."

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.

Man: "What the hell was that for this time?"
Wife: "Your horse called."


5. A 60-year-old man is getting his annual physical:
Doctor, do you think I'll live another 40 years so I can reach 100? That depends," says the doctor.
-Do you smoke?
-No
-Do you drink?
-No
-Do you fool around with loose women?
-Of course not
-Well, then, why the hell do you want to live for another
40 years?

6. Patient: Doctor, I ate pizza with the expired date of consumption, what'll happen to me, am I gonna die?

Doctor: Well everyone is going to die some day, you know...

Patient: Oh my God! What have I done? Now we're all gonna die!


7. Honey, both that journalist and the engineer proposed to our daughter!

-So who's the lucky man?

-The engineer. Our daughter married the journalist.


8. Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.

The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home.

The second guy wishes the same.

The third guy says "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

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