The Funniest Jokes Ever

1. As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

2. The husband returns home one day and tells his wife,

"Hi Honey, look, I've bought the new Rolling Stones CD."

"Why did you do that?, we don't even have a CD player!" replied the wife ...

And husband says "So what ... have i ever asked why you keep on buying bras?"

3. A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas. Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino and finds a pay phone.

He calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your bags, I just won over a million dollars in Vegas."

His wife says, "That's wonderful, What should I pack for ....Europe, Asia, the Caribbean?"

He says, "I don't care, just be gone when I get home."

4. This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

Man: "What was that for?"
Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"

Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races?, Marylou was the name of one of the horse I bet on."

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.

Man: "What the hell was that for this time?"
Wife: "Your horse called."


5. A 60-year-old man is getting his annual physical:
Doctor, do you think I'll live another 40 years so I can reach 100? That depends," says the doctor.
-Do you smoke?
-No
-Do you drink?
-No
-Do you fool around with loose women?
-Of course not
-Well, then, why the hell do you want to live for another
40 years?

6. Patient: Doctor, I ate pizza with the expired date of consumption, what'll happen to me, am I gonna die?

Doctor: Well everyone is going to die some day, you know...

Patient: Oh my God! What have I done? Now we're all gonna die!


7. Honey, both that journalist and the engineer proposed to our daughter!

-So who's the lucky man?

-The engineer. Our daughter married the journalist.


8. Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.

The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home.

The second guy wishes the same.

The third guy says "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here."